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I was much further out than you thought, and not waving but drowning.

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Monday, September 27th, 2010
11:07 am - I used to think and not speak.

Now i just blah blah blah. Introspection stopped for the most part, and i started feeling better. Thinking and reflecting made me hurt, so i put these things behind me and became an adult(?).

I realize that most people spend their lives going in circles. But i just want to break away from my patterns now before i get stuck again in downward spirals.

I'm married. And honestly i'm so happy with Dave and our relationship. How do we keep it exactly as it is now? I get afraid that i will do something wrong or not do something right.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

(2 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Monday, August 18th, 2008
11:43 am
So, a few things. Perhaps I'm only writing for myself and my own record, but here goes. I've been really caught up in my own life lately, and not spending time maintaining relationships with people. I sign into LiveJournal twice a year, and I feel really bad when I read that I've missed so much in others' lives. It makes me doubt the person that I thought I was, but also makes me wonder if this happens to others too. I feel like I just can't do the casual hang-out anymore, because it always turns into a drinkfest. I'm sad to say that this does not appeal to me.

So in the next two weeks, I need to decided whether or not to go forward with going to grad school. In many ways, I have no idea what this will hold for me. When I think about it, I'm not even sure I want to work in this field anymore, and I don't want to spend a ridiculous amount of money just to be sure of that.

Ok, so the even bigger issue, is me, the dog lover...I finally got a dog. Dave and I adopted a beautiful beast, a huge two year old white german shepherd. We changed his name to Oxford. Ox for short. We had to create and embellish a story to allow management to approve us to have this dog in our apartment. But bottom line, they approved. He had lived in a kennel for over a year, and the previous owner couldn't keep him because of financial constraints. Once we got him home on August 8th, he just took to us so quickly, and we became like gods to him. He is this 110 pound white shadow, following Dave and I from room to room, traveling back and forth between us, not even letting us out of sight. In the first two days, he remembered all the basic commands. Behaviorally, he has been so good around the other tenants, and he is very well controlled on a leash. People constantly comment on how beautiful and well behaved he is. Unfortunately, he is getting a little more protective of us. On a walk last week, he started barking at an old lady who came too close, and on Saturday night, he barked at a little girl in the building. That occasion especially scared me, and made me so sad at the thought that word might get out, and he would have to leave. Saturday night I cried so hard just thinking about losing him, and also being so afraid of what he could do to someone. So we decided that until we could teach him NOT to be so protective, we would keep him far away from everyone and anyone.

Well, we found out today that we won't really have that chance. Our apartment manager called Dave and told him that he'd received many written complaints about the size of the dog, and that some tenants are afraid of him. Our building consists mainly of older residents who have not much to do other than complain. He also told us not to use the elevator anymore, but to use the stairs. (I tried to take Ox down the stairs this morning, but he just froze! He's such a baby, and he's never been exposed to stairs before.) Dave just spent the morning calling around to his family members to see who could watch Ox on a temporary basis, or even to find an alternative home for Ox. We can't bring him back to the kennel, because we are fairly certain he would be euthanized. We're so heart-broken, and incredibly pissed at the residents in the building. As I was bringing Ox in from his walk this morning, I had to walk past two of the residents. One of them smiled and pointed at Ox and stated to the other, "That's the dog I was telling you about." I held back my "fuck you" face.

Oh, and the manager just called Dave again, and told him that in addition to having Ox use the stairs, he has to be muzzled. And he has to be out of the apartment in a matter of days.

Ox is laying on the floor moping. He can tell that something is going on. My stomach hurts, and I'm in tears just thinking of this.

Our lease is up at the end of this month, and we were planning on going month to month until December, when we plan to buy a house. But at this point we're both saying fuck it, let's find another place to stay for four months.

I'm writing this basically to vent somewhere, to put it down somewhere that people can be so cruel. I don't know. If anyone reads this and can think of any options, let me know. If not, I'll update in another six months as a completely different person. I hope everyone is doing well. Whether I say it directly or not, I really miss you all a lot.

(2 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Saturday, April 19th, 2008
10:06 pm - I remember when straight edge was cool and I thought it would always be like that.
I haven't posted in over 6 months.

Today was opening day at the horse races. I didn't win anything but had a great time. I love picking the horses solely based on the prettiness of their coats and their humorous names.

A lot of things seem to be stuck in a strange transitional period, especially me. So I want to move on or figure out what's worth hanging on to. I got into a Masters program at St. John Fisher, and I'll start part time this fall. But by that point I'll probably be wishing things were same old-same old like they are now.

Well, just an update, I guess it's mostly for me.

(said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Monday, August 20th, 2007
12:28 pm
Dave and I have moved into the new apartment. It's large and air conditioned which makes it feel like it's winter outside. It's almost too nice...I feel like I'm house sitting for someone much richer and more cultured than I am. Speaking of winter though, I cannot wait for snowboarding season. I have an extra board, bindings, and boots (size 8.5) if anyone wants to try it out. I want to move somewhere cold where I could snowboard all year round. But I love my bike, and I love riding it, so nevermind.

I think (and it's just tentative) that I want to go back to school next fall. Full time...again...to get an associates in applied science (I have a field in mind). I'm nervous about money and work, long term, and I want to someday be free from those everyday fears.

I miss everyone. I hope all is well.

(9 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Sunday, July 29th, 2007
10:08 am - Long time no see.
It's strange how time passes by so quickly. I miss everyone. I'm moving to Brighton with Dave in 17 days. My brother is moving to Virginia in 12 days to be a pharmacist there. People seem to grow up so quickly. Losing touch is really easy, and I never wanted that to happen. I hope everyone is well, although live journal has suggested otherwise.

(said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Saturday, May 5th, 2007
10:31 am
I'm going to the horse races today. Happy Cinco de Mayo.

(2 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Sunday, October 29th, 2006
10:02 am - I made a deal to get us out of this place.
I haven't updated this in nearly three months. Some new things from me:

I've been working at East House for a year. I've saved up half of my salary, which isn't a lot. But good news is that I finally get my BIG raise..Which works out to be about 32 cents more an hour, before taxes. But I'm not complaining, I guess I could have quit there several times...but I really do like the job and the team of people I work with. It's great experience, and for now, it'll do.

So, with the money I saved (gosh, it's disappearing quickly), I got an apartment (studio), and I'm opening a mutual fund. I took about one third of what I saved, and I'm putting it into an evergreen fund, which averages about 9.8% interest per year (it's a very stable account, because, I wouldn't have it any other way. Let me know if this sounds interesting to you, I'll refer you to my financial planner dude). My studio is in a very nice area on Oxford. No lease, which makes it even better. I can move in after the first. I'm pretty psyched. I bought a new bed yesterday (if anyone is shopping for good discounted furnature, I found an overstock warehouse that is awesome).

I apologize for being distant, I admit I've been hiding out. You know when you're just not happy with the way things are going, and you don't want to have to tell other people about the nothingness that you're doing with your life...(Mainly, the "hi, I'm kelly, I've been living at home with my parents for a year and a half," part.) It get's hard to tell that over and over.

I hope everyone's doing well. People have some big stuff of their own that I'm unaware of, I'm sure. Notably, I'm sorry for the loss of Wrigley (Pat and Tom). I guess that's all for now. Take care all. Maybe we'll get together soon.

(6 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
1:05 pm
Just a quick ranting update.

Why is this point in life so ridiculously scary? I am just so paralyzed by all the decisions and forks in the road. How to know what choices to make, and how to stand behind each choice, fully supporting it without regret. I've been doing little things, but still nothing reinforces the fact that I am an adult. At work when I call doctors offices and such, they hear my voice and call me "hon." I'm still treated like a kid in person...probably because I still look like one. Anyways, I'm having a really hard time knowing what's expected of me at this age. I want to go off and be irresponsible, because I feel I didn't get the chance to do that when I was younger. At the same time, I want to pull it together, and be extremely mature and composed and SHOW people what I can do/prove myself.

There's no comfort in this age.

I'm really stressed out, and that is becoming the norm these days.

(said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Thursday, June 29th, 2006
12:09 pm - I made a deal to get us out of this place.
I'm trying to figure out some things. Last night I hurt someone so badly. I feel like I've torn a hole in myself so deep that it will never heal. You would think I'd feel some relief about this. But how can I when I don't know what's right? One step away from someone is not one step closer to another. I'm hurt, and I honestly don't know what I want to do. I need some time alone, but I'm so afraid of being lonely.

I've moved backwards. I'm not bright and cheery. This is consuming my life. There is so much pressure. Pick a path. Pick a future. Do it soon, because the options might not be there long. I'm stronger than I was a year ago, but still, I see some sad similarities.

I'm still avoidant. I bottle things up. I'm non-confrontational. I give false hope. I'm sad I'm not out biking right now. It is beautiful and sunny and I know it would make me forget what's going on for at least a minute.

(2 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
1:31 am
I bought a couple cd's today that I am completely satisfied with, and therefore would like to share my excitement.

Bouncing Souls - The Gold Album
Murder by Death - In Bocca al Lupo
Otis Redding - Greatest Hits
and the newest (2005) Calico System (I forget the title.)

I'm not even upset about how much money I spent. But anyways, the most anticipated album for me in this bunch is Murder by Death. I really think this band is awesome, and anyone who dares to say otherwise will have to rumble with me. And I am getting really physically strong.

The new AFI that I picked up last week is somewhat dissapointing. So far, some songs (most) seem too catchy, but some (a few) I see the possibility of liking. Or maybe I'm just speaking too soon. New stuff takes a while to get used to.

My foot still sucks. I've been biking, but mostly just lifting weights, which strangely enough, really tires me out and is almost as fulfilling as doing cardio.

I want to move out, but I don't think it's going to happen quite yet. I have been looking for studios, but still, I make dirt money, and spend too much on cd's to be able to afford it. (Ha, not really.) But I'm saving and saving, and it still doesn't seem like it's enough. It's still bearable at home, but I'd really like to just MOVE ON from here and grow up a little bit more. Get it?

(4 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Friday, June 9th, 2006
9:53 am
Wow. I don't update this journal anymore.

I guess I only have a couple things to gripe about.

Lots of things are changing, and I feel like I have no control over them. I'm afraid of the next couple weeks. And how things will be.

I want to run some 5k's. But I currently have a nagging pain in my right foot. Every time I move it. I've had this similar pain before, and I believe it was explained to me as being some sort of stress fracture...brought on by treadmill running. Duh. So I have to lay off of the whole funness for a while, and I'll probably just stick to the eliptical and bikes. Bummer, but I guess it could be worse.

Work is going alright. I'm incredibly stressed out, and putting way too much of myself into it. Good thing I make like a hundred thou a year so it makes it worth it. Heh. (Right.) So I'm struggling with the amount of money I'm making right now, and saving all that I can. Which is not a lot. But I'm hoping to move out of my parent's house this summer, sometime, into a studio in Rochester. There are some in my price range...but I'm still worried about the prospect of living alone and maybe being lonely. It's funny that I've never worried about that before.

(said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Monday, May 15th, 2006
6:18 pm - I forget that to others on the outside, I may still look like a normal person.
Bad news first. I'm still confused out of my mind. Lot's of things are happening. I'm stuffing it all inside, and I feel so completely alone with it. Drug users (maybe cocaine?) sometimes experience formication, which is feeling like they have bugs crawling on their skin...I'm feeling similar, except, I have this feeling inside of my body, in my stomach and in my head. I used to do destructive things when I felt like this, but now, I'm just sitting here...trying to plan out my night so I can get my mind off of things. I have nothing to do besides work.

On the other hand, I'm doing a formula one duathlon on Saturday at Mendon Ponds Park. So it goes: 2 mile run, 10 mile bike, 1 mile run, 10 mile bike, 2 mile run. I've been pretty nervous about this, up until today. Today, I was amazing. I took a spinning class, lifted weights for a while, then came home and biked about 12 miles, then ran two. I'm so excited now, and I actually think I might be able to do this. Now I'm more confident, especially about the running part. It seems my endurance has kicked up a bit, and however it happened, it's just what I needed. I'm still feeling high from all of this, and it was a couple hours ago. Woo. Excellent.

(3 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Sunday, April 30th, 2006
11:58 pm - I feel so dramatic right now.
My gosh. Do you see how the audience is holding their hands to their mouths, waiting for some sort of resolution? It's such a tragic story. No one knows the ending.

(said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
8:19 pm - This is a whining entry.
I wish I could do college again. I'm not happy with who I am right now. I mean, I'm happy with what I'm doing at the moment, but it's not going to be a career. It just sucks. I miss who I was in high school, and it's neat being around people who knew me then, because I feel like they know who I want to be. But I remember then, I was so focused on growing up. I have a bubbling feeling inside that feels like stress and anger and frustration. This is such a weird transition phase, and I have no idea what comes next.

I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

(1 rib | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Thursday, April 6th, 2006
1:42 pm
Oh my goodness. I am so in love with my new bike it is unbelievable. I thought it would be much harder getting used to the skinny wheels, but oh no. Not hard. Today was the first day I really tested her out...I've been so busy/there's been bad weather since I got it. But oh my. I need a metric wrench set to adjust the handlebars...and I have a shorter stem just in case...but I think she's ready to ride. Long and hard. She's so fast it's crazy. The only thing that I would change is that she's a triple, and I would much rather she be a double. But honestly, money well spent. I ordered some clipless shoes and I have a friend who is willing to toss some old pedals my way, so I am in luck even more. This is very exciting. Just from going on a little ride today, I know we're going to have some good times. And I'm sure this is the new love of my life.

And if the hook sets in the bottom of our lungs,
we'll rip it out and lick the blood off with our tongues.

(9 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
2:19 am
I'm back and it was so so beautiful. (Thank you Cheryl for picking me up from the airport.)

It might even be worth going through the hassle of posting pictures.

Now I'm kinda bummed because I'm back to the doldrums.

But I guess I may be moving out soon, which, I've heard can be fun.

It's 8:30am CZ time, and I've hardly slept. Goodnight.

(4 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
9:01 pm - Oh my oh my.
I think I want to leave the country.

Yeah. And I think I'll go to Prague.

For a week. Starting...tomorrow.

Yeah, I think so.

(3 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Thursday, March 9th, 2006
3:21 am - Because others lead the way.
1. When you first attended SUNY Brockport, where did you live?
MacVicar hall

2. Who was your first roomate(s)
Danielle Monty (and Daniel Suprenant: her boyfriend)

3. Do you still talk to them?
No.

4. Ever get in trouble in the dorms (ahem, residence halls)?
I got put on academic probation for having a lit candle in my room. Actually it was a whole campfire. I lost my job at the time for that silliness.

5. Something you remember when you lived on campus?
Walking 20 feet out the door into a never-ending hack circle.

6. First party attended?
I can't remember. I'm sure it was in my later years, and I'm sure I left soon after arriving.

7. First Bar you got wasted at?
n/a. I've still only bought one drink at a bar, ever. I've maybe drank five drinks total while out at bars. In my life.

8. Favorite Pizza Place in Brockport?
Pizza shmitza. We ordered dominoes a bunch of times. Ehh.

9. Favorite Diner?
Brockport Diner. That's the one.

10. Did you go to the library?
I practically lived there my last year. Most nights I'd stay 'til close.

11. What was your Favorite Floor youd always be on?
Brockport 2004. 1004 Briggs.

12. Club, Athletics, Frat or Sororities, you join?
I played rugby my second semester there. We tried to make a hack club. I was unofficially a member of the sociology and psychology clubs.

13. Where did you buy your books?
Usually, Liftbridge.

14. Who made the best wings?
I don't really like wings...

15. Favorite Brockport Bar?
My first Brockport bar was C&S. LAME. But I like bars with darts.

16. Ever attend a Brockport sporting event?
I went to a football game once. It was pretty neat and I wish I would have gone to more. After all, they were free.

17. Did you move off campus, when and where?
No, never, nowhere. Actually...I guess I moved back home.

18. Who were your first off-campus roommates?

19. Do you still talk to them?

20. Have you ever spent the night on campus not in a dorm hall?
No.

21. Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go?
Every night. To the library. College was fun.

22. Happy hour, where did you go?
There was never a happy hour in college.

23. Where did you get coffee?
Self-brewed and Trax. Oh my short-lived addiction.

24. Favorite Year of Halloween?
I remember some odd halloweens. But I'll pick the new years where Cheryl dressed up as a sailor. You heard me.

25. Go see a play or been in one?
I saw a bunch of plays for a bunch of classes that didn't even matter.

26. Did you ever have a job in Brockport?
I was a night desk attendant, a computer lab technician, and a server for Garnishes.

27. What do you hate about Brockport?
I remember really hating that the library wasn't open twenty-four hours, I also hated the hours for the gym.

28. What did you love most about it?
Friends, hacking, getting good grades, learning, being away from home.

29. Ever leave Brockport to go on a road trip, where?
Went to Pittsburgh with Francis, Fredonia several times to visit Cheryl, Joshy, and Francis, and New Paltz 2005 with my 1004 Briggs lovers.

30. Where would you believe is the best location to live in Brockport?
Probably in one of those little apartment complexes. Away from the hussle and bustle.

31. What was your favorite Class/Professor?
For easiness: Sociology classes with Dr. Steinhauer. I took about 6 with him, and got A's in every one of them. But my favorite class was either Psychopharmacology or Neuropsychology with Dr. Abwender. His classes were so tough but so interesting. I learned more in those classes than I did in the rest of my four years at Brockport. I read the notebooks from those classes and it just blows my mind about all the stuff I had to learn.

32. Best on campus concert you attended?
Oh please. Hmmm. Ben Folds, maybe? It was still super lame.

33. Graduated or still attending?
Alas, I am done.

34. Year of graduation?
2005

35. Will you go back?
Duh. I'm planning another trip back for hack. I've got the fever.

36. How many parking tickets have you gotten?
There was that period of time (about a week) where I just got one after another after another. And I probably had another few thrown in there. I'm sure I bitched about it in here. Yes, I'm starting to swear in print again.

(2 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
2:34 am - Death's a bitter pill, but life is crueler still.
I received some very sad news this evening while driving home from a friend's place. One of my clients died today, of medical reasons.

I spoke to Josh right after I found out...and I really think it helped me not to get too upset about this. I don't know really how to react. I only knew her for the four months that I've worked there. It cuts back my comfort level about things. These lives are not permanent. It's almost laughable that the last thing I did for this woman was to prompt her to go to her day treatment program and stop in at their health center. She didn't want to go, but I told her it'd be better for her to go and be seen by a doctor than to sit around the house and feel sick all day. They called from the doctor's office around noon and told me that they had sent her to the ED to get checked for possible pneumonia. That's pretty much it.

I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to go to work tomorrow and have to face this. It's silly, but I don't know how to deal with this issue. I don't have a lot of practice with it. Maybe that's something we gain as we get older, as terrible as it is. Acceptance and maturity, these things are inevitable. I don't really know what I'm writing.

Moving on, I'm reading song lyrics, which I feel like I haven't done in ages. And I'm giving another chance to a band called Dead Red Sea, whose only cd I bought a few years ago, and hated right off the bat. But I stuck a few songs on my MP3 player for the gym, and they're really not all that bad. Some of their lyrics are semi-clever, and are starting to grow on me.

I've been trapped by my senses. Natural kind of fences. That I can't cut through. And time takes away a piece of you. A piece that you thought you knew. It's all in the breeze. Now it's floating all around me. Invisible thing that I'll never see. But when you think that you got one. It's only just illusion. A trick that was up your sleeve. All that I know. All that I needed was me. All that I know. All that I need is me.

It reminds me a little too much of a David Singer song, but I like it, nonetheless. Gosh it is late. Tomorrow is In Flames and Zao. Woo hoo.

(2 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
9:09 pm
Ahh, I think I'm getting sick.

But good news is, I think I'll be running in the JP Morgan Corporate Challenge 5k on June 1st. Which would be fun to do with work colleagues. And I would really like to get back into running road races. So woo for that. It's a long way off, but I like having things to look forward to. And having goals and reaching them. Sigh.

I also have some good shows to start getting excidered about. In Flames and Zao, The Black Dahlia Murder, and Bleeding Through.

Yes yes, this shall be a busy month. Goodnight.

(2 ribs | said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have.")

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